One of those days...

Ever have one of those days where you dont feel like you belong and feel like a complete failure, or basically you're not good enough? Today is one of those days. I hate feeling like this. I know that God has a purpose for my life and one day He will do something big in it and through it, but the road to get there sure has been a tough, painful road.

How do you move on when words are the death and enemy of anyone? How can you find confidence when the past has left you shattered and so fearful. I deal with this every week and you would think after years I would have gained some kind of ground, but today I sit and feel defeated once again. I feel like I am back in that same place I was years ago. Its like it haunts me over and over again. Words really do build you up or tear you down. I have forgiven, but the words that were said years ago of "you're not good enough and you need to figure out something different to do with your life" have such a tight grip on me that I dont know if I will ever be able to break free. How? When will it end? I just plain dont get it. My passion of music sometimes makes me feel like the worlds greatest failure. Yes, I know that I have a few weaknesses but dont we all?

I do know this. I am a good mom to Paisley and most of the time I am a good wife to my husband. Maybe I take a step back from what I really wanted to do with my life and be and focus on the things that I really am great at, and love just as much as wanting to be a worship leader or sing music. Maybe if I dont get involved and pulled myself back, maybe, just maybe I wouldnt feel so disappointed, hurt, angry, incapable. If my life ends up being just a mom to my children and a wife, I will be equally happy. They are what completes me. They are what adds happiness and joy to this everyday journey. I dont need someone telling me I am not good enough when I know I am good at what I do within our home. Maybe thats all I will ever be, and thats ok. I dont need to sing and I dont need to lead worship. Sometimes church stuff is more messy than the real world. Sad but painfully true. I just wish one day, I would be given a fair chance and a fair shot. Till then I am still bound to what has crippled me for many years.

Its one of those days can you tell?