To Walk on Water

Let me tell you, this has been one tough season, but one that hasn't knocked me completely down to where I can't get back up.

Aaron and I have been through some of the toughest moments, but everything pales in comparison to the storm that is raging around us right now. I know that God has a purpose and a plan that far exceeds these moments that feel like complete torture, but I also know that He is drawing us closer to Him and making us really aware of who He is.

If there has ever been a season where God has really spoken loudly, its this one. Mine and Aarons hearts are to be in ministry in the worship aspect and while I thought I was ready for something that huge once I graduated a few years ago, I am realizing how far I have come since then and how even when I thought I was ready, God had a few more things that He needed to teach both Aaron and I.

The message for this season is to have faith enough to get out of the boat and walk on the water, and to keep trusting and to keep your eyes locked on His when you feel like giving up, when you feel like looking down, when you feel like circumstances are running the race in your life. I have always been a worrier, and a doubter, and one who stresses easily when plans are changed and things haven't gone the way that I planned it in my mind. I like comfort. I like feeling secure and I like knowing that everything is going to go according to how I see it. When plans change, and things fall apart and life doesn't go in the direction I really thought it would, I would fall apart. I would question God and get angry with Him. I would feel like He left me high and dry and really if I was honest, to to live a life in ministry, things will never go according to how you want it, and if you don't know who HE is and what His Word says to get you through the storm, you will quit every time it gets hard.

God takes you through barren, difficult seasons to show you another side of who He is, and to also teach us to trust in Him and to know that He is good and has our best interest at heart.

I love the story in Matthew 14:22-33 when Jesus calls Peter to come out on the water with Him. The disciples had been in a huge storm and when Jesus saw how frightened they were, He went to them walking on water. At first the disciples didn't recognize who Jesus was, they had mistaken Him for a ghost. Jesus tells them in verse 27 "Do not be afraid, take courage, I am here!" The disciples then put Him to the test to prove who He was, and Peter calls out to Him "Lord, if its really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water." Jesus replies to Peter and says "Come." We know that Peter gets out of the boat and is walking towards Jesus, but as he sees a strong wind coming and the waves getting bigger, he takes his eyes off of Jesus and looks around at what is happening, and as he is looking at what is in front of him, he begins to sink. And ever so gently, like He always does, Jesus reaches out and grabs onto Peter, but He also questions Peter about the lack of faith Peter just had in Jesus.

Have you doubted?
I have.

This message is for this season in my life. God is calling me, Aaron and us together to get out of the boat and follow after Him. It hasn't been easy, and theres times that I have taken my eyes off of Jesus and looked at what lies in front of me, and the truth is, every time I look at how impossible everything looks in the midst of our storm, I am overcome with fear and doubt. Every time my eyes are locked on to His, peace and joy follow.

Before God even called Peter to get out on to the water, He first tells them do not be afraid. God would say the same thing to us do not be afraid to get out of that boat, or to take that leap of faith to what I am calling you to do next. He warns us first, because He knows that if we aren't locked onto Him, the storm will completely take us out.

God commissions us for great moments. He called us to do greater works than He did, and He didn't say that we wouldn't face trials, but He said that when we do face trials, to rejoice and to know that in and through it all, He is still good and He is still with us, that He will never leave nor forsake us.

I love how at first Peter is probably thinking that he is going to get out of the boat and all is going to be ok because Jesus has him, and I like how soon as he gets going, God tests Him, and in that test we see just how much faith Peter really does have. When those waves starting getting bigger, immediately Peter becomes more concerned about the waves and the wind then the God who just called Peter to come to Him, but even when Peter began sinking, God still saved Peter. God was still right there with Peter. God was with Peter at the same time that He was rescuing Him.

He is with you while He is coming to rescue you. God walks right on top of the stuff that you think is going to take you out and if you don't know who He is, you will mistake the One who is coming to rescue you as a ghost that is coming to destroy you. (Christine Caine)

God is still there for me and for those of you reading that are in a tough place. God will not let you completely be taken out by your present circumstance. He may use that very circumstance to test you and while you may let yourself sink to the deepest parts of that circumstance, God is still holding on and waiting for you to realize that He is the only one that will pull you through and keep you going.

God is commissioning me for a greater purpose than what I realize, and even though these last few months look nothing like what I thought would be the plan, God is quickly teaching me that no matter  how hard it is, I have to keep trusting. Even when fear keeps me paralyzed in place, I have to keep trusting and knowing that He is going to bring me to my destiny.

A walk with Christ is a journey of trusting and believing even when you can't see Him. The key to getting through it all is knowing the identity of who He is, because when you know that He is for you, its easier to know that what He is doing is for your own good. Everything He does is always for our good. Always.

You will lift my head above the mighty waves
You are able to keep me from stumbling
And my weakness
you are the strehgth that comes from within
Good shepherd of my soul
Take my hand and lead me on

You make my footsteps and my path secure
So walking on water is just the beginning
Cause my faith to arise, stand at attention
For You are calling me to greater things
 

-Shepherd by Bethel

Surrender All

^1-2 You’ll remember, friends, that when I first came to you to let you in on God’s master stroke, I didn’t try to impress you with polished speeches and the latest philosophy. I deliberately kept it plain and simple: first Jesus and who he is; then Jesus and what he did—Jesus crucified.

^3-5 I was unsure of how to go about this, and felt totally inadequate—I was scared to death, if you want the truth of it—and so nothing I said could have impressed you or anyone else. But the Message came through anyway. God’s Spirit and God’s power did it, which made it clear that your life of faith is a response to God’s power, not to some fancy mental or emotional footwork by me or anyone else.

1 Corinthians 2:1-5 (Message Version)

I think we can all agree that feeling inadequate is never a settling feeling.

I have been there too many times to count.

Its funny how God puts us in the situations where we feel so unworthy, so unprepared, so totally without a lack of confidence and then out of nowhere, God shows up and we are just stunned by what He just did.

I can remember some pretty huge moments, that God showed up and it was powerful.

Its silly how we tend to underestimate God and put Him in this tiny box and when He does do something, we are surprised. The thing is, is that we shouldn't be surprised. We should always expect Him to show up and blow our minds.

In college, I remember not having a voice for the longest time, and when your voice is your instrument and your name is on the set list to sing a song and you have no voice, you either panic or you trust. I would like to say, that there was no panic and no wondering involved, but every time that I felt there was no possible way, I would get on the stage, open my mouth, and out of nowhere my voice would appear. I would be able to sing the song that I just couldn't sing in rehearsal moments ago.

Its amazing what God can do isn't it!?

Here you have Paul feeling so inadequate, and probably somewhat nervous, but then out of nowhere, God shows up big and preaches a message that His people needed to hear.

We are no different than Paul, and God is no respecter of persons. What He did for Paul, He will surely do for us. When we are willing to hand over the reigns that we are so tightly grasping, God cant help but get in the middle and show off and proving Himself to be bigger than what our imaginations can handle. We just have to be willing to surrender.

Easier said than done. I know.

God created us to need Him. He created us to want to have Him involved. Without His anointing that we pull from, we are nothing. If God is not in it, then what are we doing and who are we reaching? What is the point if God cant even be in the midst of the very thing He called us to do? Not having His power, His presence and His anointing leaves nothing but an empty message or an empty song.

I never want to take the opportunity to minister to someone and them get nothing out of what I had to say, or nevertheless, I never want them to walk away from worship never seeing Him in it. People need what you have, and though you may feel unequipped, inadequate, not confident, insecure and the whole shebang, God sees you as capable. God will minister out of the empty vessel and the broken places. Your testimony is your story. Your brokenness is your story. God longs for anyone who will surrender and wants to be used. Forget about the past and forget about what someone else has said about you, God called you, and God will equip you. No man can do what God can do and no man can equip you and prepare you like God can. Trust. Trust and rely in Him.

I just know when I get to the end of my time, I want to be able to say that I gave it my all, and let God run the full course. I want people to not just see me in what I do, but I want to make sure that He is known in everything that I can do.

Sisters, whatever you have been holding so tightly to, lay it down. Trust that God is going to come through for you and use you big. Forget every negative thought, image, word etc. and know that there is a bigger God who has great plans for you and wants to use you beyond your capabilities. No one defines you like God does. His image of you is far more important than any mans image of you. People will always fail you and disappoint you, but our God will never fail you and will never leave you hanging. Be encouraged and walk in faith, knowing we serve a mighty big God who will come through every. single. time.

Hallelujah!

All Because of Jesus

I am seriously humbled like never before today.

 

I could tell you a lot about the Bible and a lot about Jesus, but sometimes for things to really sink in deep, they have to become a revelation.

 

For the last few months God has been showing me new sides to Him and making things feel more alive and making things seem more real to me.

 

We have heard all about Easter and Jesus' death on the cross, and while I know the story, I didn't really get it. I believed, but I didn't get it.

 

Today, I get it.

 

I really get it.

 

And for the first time, I wept.

 

I weep at knowing how amazing our God is, and how much love He has for us.

 

I am awestruck and my mind is blown.

 

I cant even fathom.

 

Let me share with you:

 

The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
    a scrubby plant in a parched field.
There was nothing attractive about him,
    nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
    a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
    We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
    our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
    that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
    that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
    Through his bruises we get healed.
We’re all like sheep who’ve wandered off and gotten lost.
    We’ve all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we’ve done wrong,
    on him, on him.

-Isaiah 53:5

 

Everything God did, He did for us. Its never been about Him. Its always been about us. God has us in mind from the very beginning and had in mind our salvation. We didn't choose Him. He chose us.  He gave us His all. I mean, He gave us His life so that we might know Him. He carried our pains, our sins put Him on that cross!!

 

 Don't you think that the God of the universe could have said "stop" at any point or when they said "if you are really God, why don't you get down from the cross and prove it" He could have just gotten down from the cross and proved Himself right then and there?

 

He could of, but He didn't because He wanted us to know Him. He wanted us to trust Him. He wanted us to love Him back and to want to be in relationship with Him. Christ never had religion in mind. It was about having a relationship with Him. Nothing more nothing less. Just a relationship with Him.

 

Our God, our Savior died on a cross and experienced the worst amount of torment so that we could live and have a life that far exceeds any dream or plan we have in mind. He took the punishment that we desperately deserved, made us whole, set us free, stripped off our filthy rags, placed a crown on our heads and clothed us in a bridegrooms robe, pouring His grace on us.

 

Do you get it yet?

 

Are you speechless?

 

We are redeemed because of what He did. We are forgiven because of what He did. We are loved because of what He did.

 

The best part of all of this is, He did it for you and for me. Asking that we just love Him in return. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

What a mighty, mighty, great God we serve!

 

 



Equipped with a Promise

Have you ever wondered why there are some that can be in the midst of the most terrifying storms and still be praising God and be so full of joy?

For the longest time, I have always wondered what their secret was and what I was doing wrong, because to tell you the truth, sometimes when the storms come and things get a little bit hard, I tend to run to the "safe" zone. I run to what's comfortable. I cry. I get angry. I question God. A lot.

If you are anything like me, you know what I am talking about.

Can I share with you the secret to joy, happiness and overcoming while still praising Him and knowing His goodness?

Its simple.

Knowing God and knowing His Word.

Its funny because even though I am saying that, it all sounds a little easier said than done, right?

I will be plain honest and tell you all, even though I know what Gods Word says, sometimes I tend to forget what His Word says and that it really means what it says.

Our circumstances may all look different, but there is one thing that we all have in common. Our God never changes and our God never forsakes us.

The secret to getting through any type of circumstance is to know Him. I mean really know Him. The deeper you know Him, the easier it will be to walk through your circumstance. Trials come and go, hardships come and go, but the one thing that remains constant and faithful is our God.

Joshua 1:8 says, "Study this Book of instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do."

I cannot tell you, how important it is to spend time in Gods Word. His Word is our lifeline. It has everything that we need to make it on a daily basis and every instruction on how to overcome and handle any situation.

When you know His promises to you, its easier to walk out whatever you are facing.

To be intimate with God means getting into His Word daily, meditating on it and allowing His word to penetrate straight to your heart, taking you deeper and showing you a side of Him that can only be seen by seeking Him.

You cant fully trust a person to lead and guide you, if you hardly know them.

God has given us everything that we need to follow Him and to get through this crazy thing called life. He has equipped us with His Word and has left us with His Holy Spirit.

Friends, I don't know what you are facing, what you are needing answers on, or if you are needing guidance in a certain area, but I promise if you get out His Word and seek Him, He will make your paths straight and show you what you are needing. Don't be afraid to dust off the pages and get to know Him.

I promise that when you seek Him, He will be found.

When you know His Word and are obedient to what it says, it will produce blessings.

Know Him. Know His Word.

His promises are your promises for everything you will ever need.

His Word is like a double edge sword.

As we near Easter, I invite you to get out your Bible and get to know our Savior. The one who gave His life for you and called you His.

Chosen

I find myself more and more like Jonah than I care to admit.

I've ran. I've hid. I've disqualified myself from thinking that God cant use me. I've been fearful. I've let pride consume parts of me that I never thought was possible, and on several occasions, I have just plain refused to do what God has asked for no better reason than laziness.

Does this sound familiar?

Here we have a man named Jonah, who, lets be honest and say that God is trusting to deliver a mighty big word of His to the Ninevites, and for probably reasons of insecurity, trust, pride, selfishness, fear, and disagreement he runs from God. I mean, Jonah knows God is asking him to do something extraordinary and somehow Jonah thinks that if he goes far enough, God wont find him and God will just ask someone else to do it right?

Wrong.

See the thing about God is, He doesn't need us. God chooses us. God wants us.

God had a specific purpose and a specific reason why He chose Jonah. Its the same for you and I, friends. God doesn't need us. God wants us. God is wanting one of us to just raise our hands and surrender our all to Him and be used completely by Him to build His kingdom.

God has to bring tests, trials and hardships into our lives to sustain us, to make us stronger, to equip us, to mold and shape us to be more like Him. That's what this life is about. Its about being like Him, being ambassadors for the kingdom of God. Its not going to be easy, and its not going to be fun at times, but are we really here for our own comforts and conveniences or are we here for what God is doing?

To whom much is given, much is required.

Its not about the fish, its about God.

It doesn't matter, how messed up and broken we are, its not about what our past has been like, or the person that we use to be, God can still use us. He wants to use us. God wants to turn the mess of our lives into a message, to redeem people. There are people out there that need to know where you have come from and the person who turned your life around.

What man says is impossible, God says is possible.

If He calls you, He will equip you. Sisters, we don't have to be afraid or fear that if God gives us an assignment, that He wont be there with us. If He has called you to it, He will move heaven and earth to accomplish that very thing, great or small, until its completed. Stop disqualifying yourself, because God sees you as capable, trustworthy and as the right person for the job. The very thing that you think disqualifies you from something will be the very thing that will qualify you.

Its not about the fish. Its about God.

Your own pride, will tell you that you cant, and will limit you from doing what you have been called to do.

Even in the storm, God still chose to use Jonah. God showed His great hand of mercy and goodness to the others on the ship, and even out of Jonah's disobedience, God still showed up. We are going to have good days and bad days, but don't underestimate the power of God and what He is capable of doing.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

 



 Don't disqualify yourself, because you don't think you are good enough. God is saying He has commanded YOU to for HIS glory to accomplish something great for His kingdom. He's assigned it and He is saying "Don't be afraid. Don't be discouraged, because wherever you go, I will be there with you." When you have to tell the woman with three kids she has cancer, He is right there with you. When you have to tell your best friend they are living in sin or they are being cheated on, He is there with you. When you have to say goodbye to a loved one or bury your child, He is there with you. When you get laid off from your job, He is there with you. When your husband leaves, He is there with you. When you get put on the sidelines for a season, He is there with you. He is always there with you, in all things.

 

Whatever your circumstance and whatever He is asking you to do, He is there with you. You aren't doing this journey alone sisters.

 

You are qualified to do just as God is calling. Even when it doesn't make sense, God is still choosing you, and will continue to choose you and want you till the very end. He loves you enough to let you never stay the same, and to play a part for His glory.

 

You have been chosen.

Chosen by our creator.

What an incredible honor that is!

Never Forgotten

 

I am joining She Reads Truth for the #SheSharesTruth challenge.

 

Ever feel like you had messed up so bad that God couldn't forgive you?

 

I have.

 

In this 38th Psalm, David is feeling this way too. He is reminding God that even though his sins are great and he is in this deep state of depression and despair, he is asking God why He had forsaken him and not to be angry with him.

 

Sin. It has a way of making us hit rock bottom, and overtaking us with a heavy weight of shame. It might keep us away from Christ for a period of time, but the power of sin also draws us closer and helps us to realize the great need we have for our Savior.

 

Sin leads us to do the craziest things.

 

Im sure that you can relate.

 

There have been times in my life, that I have made some pretty poor decisions that have left me feeling so dirty and disgusted that I have believed the lies of the enemy and have let my relationship with God fall through the cracks instead of running to Him.

 

This is what David did. David made a few many bad decisions with Bathsheba that kept him from God and kept him from receiving the fullness of the blessings of God.

 

We trip ourselves up, we keep ourselves from the blessings of God and we wallow in our self destruction. Its sad isn't it?

 

Despite how we may feel, God says regardless of what you have done, and regardless of how you might feel about yourself, Come.

 

Come just as you are, broken, scarred, completely messed up, dirty, shameful, whatever, and let me give you a fresh start and a new outlook on life.

 

Friends, He died on a cross for us. He wiped away every transgression, every bit of uncleanliness, every bit of shame and called us His children. He forgave us.

 

He didn't call us to be perfect. He called us to need Him, to run to Him when we mess up and to ask for His forgiveness. His love for you, and for me, casts out every ounce of our shame. He knew we would mess up and that's why He offers His forgiveness no matter how great or how little it is. Its all the same in His eyes.

 

Romans 8:1-2 says: "With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death." {The Message}

 

You are freed. You are free.

 

He isn't a God of anger and one who stays angry. He may discipline us for a moment, but more than anything He desires to love you and to walk with you day in and day out. There is absolutely nothing that could keep you from Him, or keep you from receiving His grace.

 

Run to Him. He longs to embrace you wholeheartedly.

Whatever it is that keeps you from receiving God's total grace and love, don't let the enemy win. God has already given you the victory and the power over sin.

 

Walk in His grace and His unmerited favor towards you.

 

You are loved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Wonder

Do you ever wonder how you got to the place where you are at? I wonder. Not all the time, but in certain moments and certain times I have to pause and wonder. I wonder how I became the person that I am. I wonder how I got to FL. I wonder where all the time went from one moment to the present. Life. Its a forever moving train with no hope of ever slowing down. If I have learned one thing in my short life {well 27 years} its that you cant take anything for granted. You live in the moment and you find beauty where there are ashes.

Tears stain my cheeks. It hard to see past the blurry tears, but part of me wonders how I ended up where I am. I am grateful for the path I have been on and the ones who have supported me every step, but I wonder how I ended up here.

Growing up wasnt easy. I had divorced parents that beyond hated each other. A strong willed father who at times was overprotecting but in another sense wanted the best for his kids. I didnt always fit in. I feared what people thought about me constantly. I, at times, still do. I was made fun of often. And spent a lot of moments just wanting to be accepted. Dont we all?

I use to wonder what my purpose was. I wondered why we were here on this earth if we just live it and then die. Was heaven real? What is life really? What am I suppose to do here?

Have you ever felt this way?

I wonder what God's purpose really is for my life. I thought I knew. I thought leaving TX I knew. I thought moving to FL would be the fresh start that I needed to escape things from the past. It hasnt been. Its been difficult. Its been really difficult. I've had to work through many things, fight words that cant be taken back, push myself past fear that has literally left me frozen in my tracks and still I am wondering why I am here. Wondering again what my purpose is.

I've been in places where people that should be helping you, but instead crush your dreams. I always told myself I would never put myself in that position and make myself feel like such a failure and here I am once again. I've grown. I know what God's Word says. I know what has been placed inside of me. I know how far I can take things till I break. I know when enough is enough, but I sit here and wonder. Do I stay in the place I am and fight through ever negative emotion, thought, word, feeling or do I move on. Do I make a stand for what is right, or do I sit back, be quiet and let it run its course.

I wonder how time has flown by so fast and my baby is almost 1. Its a cruel joke. I feel like I fell asleep and here she is a grown adult. How did it all happen within a blink of an eye? Have I been a good mother? Have I given her everything she needs so far? The questions burn through my mind. I am responsible for her. I want so much for her in life. I want for her to know more than anything that she is loved.

Relationships. Arent they tricky sometimes? I wonder how we got where we are in some of them. You have to be selfless and never expect anything in return. Always forgiving, always moving a head and guarding your heart. They're fragile. One word can completely change everything. And lets be honest, words arent something that you can ever take back. We sit quietly and wait. Wait for there to be reason in with all the rhyme. We break, we mend. We lose some we gain some. How did we get here?

I sit here and stare at a screen and somehow I try to find beauty in the mess that is pursuing. I try to find sanity in the things that seem like chaos. I wish tonight that I could somehow be young again. Free. Free from every decision other than what flavor of ice cream you want, free from responsibilities, free from getting hurt other than just a scrape on the knee. Doesnt life know that its unfair and mean? Dont people understand that we all have feelings that can break in a matter of seconds? God are you hearing me? Do you get it?

Life is a fight. Life is a battle.

Somehow in the brokenness, I feel defined. I feel whole. I feel there is a sense of purpose amongst it all, but I still wonder. I will always wonder.

Midweek Motivation

{source}

This follows yesterdays post on waiting. I find it somewhat funny when you get a revelation and something finally hits you to the core and you feel like you get it for once and then the next minute you are being tested for the exact same thing you just felt like you understood. Life is funny and God seriously has a sense of humor. 

I couldn't find this quote any more true than what is being said :)

Let is sink in...

Happy hump day! 

We are getting closer to Friday hallelujah!!

Waiting

{Source}

Waiting is hard. 

Lets face it, most of us have a hard time just "waiting". I know I do. 

Lately, our lives have felt like we are constantly waiting for one thing after another. Its been hard.  

I have been really frustrated, because honestly how can one person wait so much for so many different things? I get frustrated with myself. I get frustrated with God. I get frustrated with my husband. I get plain frustrated at life itself. Some days it doesn't feel fair. Some days I just want to scream, yell, cry, something to make this hurry up, something to make this "uncomfortableness" go away. Truthfully, If I were really honest, some days it hurts because of the result of others, some days I don't want to get it and I want to be angry that things aren't working out my way, some days I just want to weep because I know that God is bigger than all of this and because He has a better plan up a head that I cant see. I like to be in control. I like to know what's happening so when I have to wait, and wait, and wait, the emotions get the best of me.

Yesterday as I was scrolling through my newsfeed on good ole FB, I came across day 20 of SheReadsTruth study on James. Im behind a few days, but something in me was curious about the title, so I began to read. It wasnt long into it that I knew God was speaking to me. The topic {how fitting} was on waiting. Talk about a hard pill to swallow when you have so many emotions running around inside. There were a few key points that were shared that hit me hard. Hit me so much so that I want to share them with you. I want to be real and tell you that Im not perfect and I dont have everything put together. I have tough days like everyone else, but in the midst of it all, I serve a mighty God who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that I can dare ask or think. 

In my waiting {because I like to be in control} I need to realize...

1. When we are forced to wait, our flesh wants to take over: Does this sound familiar? Totally gets me here and it was just the beginning of what was being shared. Knife in the gut, ok God I am listening. You have my attention. I am being forced to wait right now in this season I am in on so many things its unreal. Almost unfair really. One day I can tell myself its ok and move on, and others days I wallow in pity for myself that this is happening in my life. Anyone else ever been here before? Its goes on to say, "we get exasperated in our impatience, swearing, negotiating with the Lord, carelessly throwing around thoughtless phrases like 'oh dear Lord, if I have to wait another day!' or 'For heaven's sakes, this shouldnt be so hard.'" Describes me to a T. Couldn't have said it better.

2. The waiting isnt just the hardest part, its the growing part. And the Gardner cant be rushed in this season. He wont be rushed in this season. Let that sink in a minute. Ouch! My waiting is actually the test, the strengthening, the labor pains, the growing part of all of this. It sometimes doesn't make sense. Waiting is a process. What good would it be if we had everything now? What if we didn't have to wait? What would we learn? What would I learn? The tough times, the difficult times, are what make or break us. They are what shape us. They are what molds us and separates us from the world and to those as followers of Christ. We live in a world that wants everything NOW, but what does it teach us? Patience? No. Its teaches us to be greedy, to be ungrateful, to be selfish. We can either be upset and angry or we can rejoice in what God is doing and for the blessings that are about to break forth. People are watching {preaching to myself here}, people are constantly watching for what we do and how we are going to respond. How do you respond in the tough times? I have failed a time or two.

3. While we are waiting, we are changing-He's changing us in the waiting. Powerful! God is working on us, to help others, to free others, to be a testimony of His goodness. It might not be my way and I might now understand the reasons for so many things, but God does. God knows what is happening. He is working on my behalf and it might take a little extra work in me to produce what He needs for His glory and for His people. I am just a steward of what He has placed inside of me. My testimony one day could save someone else. He might also be changing my attitude {gosh thats a hard one to swallow} and how I see things. I like to see this part as pass or fail. You either get it or you dont. So often I would like to be honest and say I have failed. Almost every week when I see the set list get posted for Sunday and its another week that I am not on there, I fail. I get disappointed. I beat myself up. I want to give up, and just because its not in the timing that I want or the song that I want to lead, God knows what He is doing. He knows what He is doing in our finances, our relationships, the things that matter most to us, our jobs. He is there. He will always be there, and we will always be waiting on something or another.

I am waiting. Still waiting. But my waiting is producing character. Producing hope. Producing strength. Producing a testimony.

Romans 5:3-5 says, "We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope DOES NOT disappoint."

I am waiting. Its hard, but God also has a plan for my life. He is good even when I cant always see His goodness.

Tangled

Tears stream down my face. From the outside looking in, it seems all too perfect and well put together, but truth is, inside I feel like I am tangled. I feel as if I am in one giant mess that cant get free. I dont know the exact day that it all began, but I do know that even though I feel like I am in too deep of my mess, I can still be set free and remarkably changed.

Since moving to FL, I have dealt with more fear, and more anger than I care to admit. Life didnt go as planned, things didnt turn out as they should have, people havent acted justly, I've been disappointed, I have been tested and tried, I've lost things and I have gained things, and from there life began its course. Pieces of the puzzle began getting lost or scattered so far apart that I ended up in this mess. Sound familiar? Have you been there? Its not a pleasant place, and one that I would rather get right, right now so that I can be the mother that Paisley is going to need me to be.

Exposure. Its either beautiful and brilliant if captured in the right setting and in the right light, or it can be ugly and painful. Exposure when it comes to taking a true look within ourselves generally is ugly and painful but yields the most beautiful picture of who God designed us to be. No one likes to be exposed or to expose the real picture of who we are, but honestly what are we afraid of? If we know that the end result is nothing but a masterpiece why do we fear it so much? For months, I havent even wanted to ask God to fix me, or to help me deal with the issues that have left me so hard hearted because I have been afraid to have to deal with the pain, and what it would feel like the moment that I let go and let someone else examine the problem and where it all went wrong.

We as humans, we are funny creatures. I laugh now looking back on it all thinking how silly it has been to be angry or to live in fear. I serve a big God, but have I let Him prove just how faithful He is and who He is. Honestly, no. Its easier for me to fear when things get dark, and its easier for me to be angry when things arent fair and they arent the way that they should be. Can God handle all these issues and deal even with my deepest insecurities? Absolutely. Have I believed it well enough to trust and step back. Not even close.

Thats the thing, we serve such a BIG God, who is willing to give us heaven on earth if we let Him and get out of His way. Its beyond painful to deal with the deepest darkest places of our hearts, but friends, as I am finding out, there is glory in the end result. There is so much freedom and liberation, when you can learn to let go. Afraid that God cant set you free or give your life a whole new meaning? He can. I have seen it so many times in my life. It doesnt matter how tangled, how messed up I feel or that you might feel, God can and will turn it around. We just have to be willing to let ourselves go exposed and let Him begin to put the puzzle pieces back to where they need to be. He is our greatest mender. He knows just how fragile we are and where it is that He needs to begin. We are our greatest threat. We hold all the power. Power that can completely keep us locked up or power that can in one moment set us free. Whats your choice? I know mine is to be free. There is so much to this life that I have missed out on because I have been too consumed with "me" and how I have felt to let anyone or anything in.

Im tangled up, but day by day I am asking and praying that what once has been broken and tattered will be restored. I am willing to be exposed if it means that I can become more like Him and do what it is that I have been called to do. End result: beauty like never before. A masterpiece of complete perfection. Flawless.




Savior you have made me whole. You bring life to my dead soul. Its who You are.