Thursday, November 21, 2013

40 Weeks 5 Days

40 Weeks 5 Days. That's how long its been since Paisley was born. I was also pregnant for that long. Its hard to imagine where the time went. Given the history in my family, I always had imagined that I would deliver early, but the humor behind it and believing that I would give birth early only drove me insane when my due date came and went and there were no signs of her coming.

Now that Paisley is here, I get it. Everything has to be done the way she wants it, and on her own timing. In more ways than one, she reminds me of myself.

I remember when we found out. I was scared, nervous and so overly excited all at once. It was a God thing that I tested when I did. I didnt believe we could be pregnant again, and yet some still small voice in me knew I was. I remember waiting for the results to appear on the stick and all I could mutter, was "God please give us a second chance. Please dont let me disappointed." Instantly the stick read "pregnant." Tears flowed. I couldnt even speak to tell my husband. All I could do was hold it up. The fulfillment of a promise was about to be completed. I had waited for this moment my whole life. My body shook. Part of me was so fearful of experiencing another miscarriage that it took away some of the happiness and joy that comes in the beginning. I prayed liked a crazy person that I could carry this baby to term. At times, it felt as if I couldnt breathe because I was waiting to reach that "safe" zone. And when we got to see the baby the first time and hear the heartbeat. My body froze. To say I was nervous before the ultrasound was an understatement. I held myself back from believing that God does want to bless His children; that He wanted to give us a child. His word---faithful.

I remember checking my little app every week to see the progress of the baby and what was changing every week. The forming of a baby and delivering a baby is one of the most miraculous things. To have another human being growing inside of you leaves me astounded. I will leave out the morning sickness part, because that part, is anything but miraculous. Those 12 weeks were some of the longest weeks of my life, but were also some of the most exciting parts of the process.

It never got old listening to the little heart beating. It had become music to my ears. I looked forward to any chance that we got to listen or look. I had been a basket case the week we got to find out. I knew all along it was a girl, but then days before I began to doubt and think we were having a boy. I didnt feel prepared for a girl, and when we got to in and to check, I held my breath till she very clearly pointed out that it was a GIRL. I was over the moon thrilled. If there was anything I pictured in my life, it was having a daughter. Dreams were coming true and this little baby was heathly. My worries subsided and my fears dissolved the more and more this baby grew.

One night I was laying down watching a movie, and for the first time, I felt sweet little Paisley move. I wont ever forget that moment or that feeling. If my heart could have jumped outside of my chest, that moment would have been it. There is no greater feeling then feeling that little human being come alive inside of you.

I was fortunate enough to participate in a clinical study where Doctors learn to check every intricate detail of the heart through an ultrasound and while they found Paisley to be beyond perfect and boring, I was relieved that we had such a perfect baby. I remember when we tried after the study to do the 3D 4D ultrasound and little missy was anything but cooperative. She wanted to be hidden. She didnt want to be seen. She covered her face and no matter how much we poked and prodded and moved she wasnt going to give in. Stubborn. Just like Momma.

There were days when I would sit in the rocking chair, because hello, her room was done months before her arrival, as well as, the hospital bag being packed and everything washed and hung, I would dream about the little girl that would come and change our lives. The little girl that would have us wrapped around her finger, and so in love with. My heart melts thinking of these moments. I wondered what she would like. Whose nose she would have, whose hair she would get, what color her eyes would be, if she would be tall like daddy or short like mommy, what her personality would be like, who she would become.

I loved shopping for her. Preparing for her. Decorating her nursery. The process was fun, and now looking back, it went by all too quickly. Sometimes I wonder if it will be like this when we get pregnant with #2. I wonder if I can love someone as much as Paisley. Be as excited as we were about Paisley. I wonder.

As Paisley got bigger, the more uncomfortable I became. Paisley had a way of scrunching herself up in a ball and hiding in my ribs. When you have a short torso, a baby in your ribs feels anything but glorious. I was huge, and by the end, I was praying that Paisley would just come out already!

When my mom arrived a week before Paisley's due date, everything became surreal. I couldnt believe that we were so close to having a baby! I couldnt believe that our lives were about to change and that we would be adding another little human being to our lives. The time went by so fast. Part of me wishes I would have enjoyed being pregnant a little more. Wished I would have relished in it a little longer. Took it all in. Listened to her heartbeat a little longer the last few moments before she was born. Before I could take it all in, my little princess was born. Pregnancy lasted for what felt like forever and within two minutes she was born into this world. Its unreal.

Its been 40 weeks 5 days since my sweet girl was born. Time has flown by way too quickly and I can tell you all I will be one hot big mess when she turns ONE. Its been the best year of my life, and I couldnt be more thankful for the healthiest, most perfect little girl. She certainly is my joy. She has added so much life and color to my life that I cant even put it into words.

Paisley Grace--I am so thankful to be your Mom. I am so proud of you and I love watching you evolve everyday. You are truly a gift and I now get why you made me wait so long for you. As hard as it was losing our first pregnancy, I get why we had to wait for you. You were a BIG promise from God, and having to go through what we did to have you was worth everything. I love you so much sweet girl!

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