Wonder

Do you ever wonder how you got to the place where you are at? I wonder. Not all the time, but in certain moments and certain times I have to pause and wonder. I wonder how I became the person that I am. I wonder how I got to FL. I wonder where all the time went from one moment to the present. Life. Its a forever moving train with no hope of ever slowing down. If I have learned one thing in my short life {well 27 years} its that you cant take anything for granted. You live in the moment and you find beauty where there are ashes.

Tears stain my cheeks. It hard to see past the blurry tears, but part of me wonders how I ended up where I am. I am grateful for the path I have been on and the ones who have supported me every step, but I wonder how I ended up here.

Growing up wasnt easy. I had divorced parents that beyond hated each other. A strong willed father who at times was overprotecting but in another sense wanted the best for his kids. I didnt always fit in. I feared what people thought about me constantly. I, at times, still do. I was made fun of often. And spent a lot of moments just wanting to be accepted. Dont we all?

I use to wonder what my purpose was. I wondered why we were here on this earth if we just live it and then die. Was heaven real? What is life really? What am I suppose to do here?

Have you ever felt this way?

I wonder what God's purpose really is for my life. I thought I knew. I thought leaving TX I knew. I thought moving to FL would be the fresh start that I needed to escape things from the past. It hasnt been. Its been difficult. Its been really difficult. I've had to work through many things, fight words that cant be taken back, push myself past fear that has literally left me frozen in my tracks and still I am wondering why I am here. Wondering again what my purpose is.

I've been in places where people that should be helping you, but instead crush your dreams. I always told myself I would never put myself in that position and make myself feel like such a failure and here I am once again. I've grown. I know what God's Word says. I know what has been placed inside of me. I know how far I can take things till I break. I know when enough is enough, but I sit here and wonder. Do I stay in the place I am and fight through ever negative emotion, thought, word, feeling or do I move on. Do I make a stand for what is right, or do I sit back, be quiet and let it run its course.

I wonder how time has flown by so fast and my baby is almost 1. Its a cruel joke. I feel like I fell asleep and here she is a grown adult. How did it all happen within a blink of an eye? Have I been a good mother? Have I given her everything she needs so far? The questions burn through my mind. I am responsible for her. I want so much for her in life. I want for her to know more than anything that she is loved.

Relationships. Arent they tricky sometimes? I wonder how we got where we are in some of them. You have to be selfless and never expect anything in return. Always forgiving, always moving a head and guarding your heart. They're fragile. One word can completely change everything. And lets be honest, words arent something that you can ever take back. We sit quietly and wait. Wait for there to be reason in with all the rhyme. We break, we mend. We lose some we gain some. How did we get here?

I sit here and stare at a screen and somehow I try to find beauty in the mess that is pursuing. I try to find sanity in the things that seem like chaos. I wish tonight that I could somehow be young again. Free. Free from every decision other than what flavor of ice cream you want, free from responsibilities, free from getting hurt other than just a scrape on the knee. Doesnt life know that its unfair and mean? Dont people understand that we all have feelings that can break in a matter of seconds? God are you hearing me? Do you get it?

Life is a fight. Life is a battle.

Somehow in the brokenness, I feel defined. I feel whole. I feel there is a sense of purpose amongst it all, but I still wonder. I will always wonder.