Bittersweet

September is kinda a hard month for me this year, well the start of next week might be a tough week.

Last January we found out we were pregnant and 24 hours after finding out we had a little one on the way, I started to bleed. At first everyone told me that it was normal, everything that I found on the internet {bad idea} said bleeding in the beginning was normal as long as there was no cramping. There was none. Few hours later, the blood went from a dark red color to a bright red color and cramps started to follow. I remember being scared and so sad, but still had hope that God was going to work through this situation. 

I wanted to deliver at a Birthing Center, so I called the one that we had chosen and signed up for the tour, but also told them what was happening. They asked me to keep an eye on things, and if the bleeding didnt get any better, chances are I was heading for a miscarriage. They asked me to come for the tour still and then they would like to sit down with us and schedule an appointment to check my HCG levels. 

Few hours later and the cramping and bleeding had not stopped. I was panicking and somehow feeling the worst fear of my life. There is something about seeing the word "pregnant" on that stick and feeling like your whole life is changing before your eyes. You arent responsible for just you anymore. You become selfless to take care of that little extra life inside of you. I somehow at 6 weeks felt so connected to the little human being growing inside of me. Not to mention, we were over the moon excited, especially since God had been speaking to us to get ready because we were going to have a baby soon.

We went to the tour that evening, met with the midwife, who prepared us for the worst, but had us coming in the following morning to check my levels. I remember leaving the Birth Center and just crying and just begging and praying that God would spare this little life. That He wouldnt let me suffer like this and He wouldnt take away the one thing that He had promised us. Despite knowing the worst and being prepared for the worst, I had hope. I believe in a big God and I knew that in some ways miracles still do happen. I knew it wasnt impossible for God to fix the situation and to change the outcome. I prayed. I pleaded with everything in me.

We went the following morning to have tests ran. As I was having to leave a urine sample, I remember crying in the restroom. I didnt understand. I didnt understand why God would promise us something only to take it away before we even got to just be excited about it. To relish in the fact that a baby was on the way! I didnt understand how we could go from being on such a high to being in such a low place. It felt surreal. It felt as if a part of me was being ripped and stolen from my life. I cant explain it. 

The nurse taking my blood didnt have much to say except for the usual "its not your fault. There was nothing you could have done." The results took a day to come back and when they came back she said it was really low. I thought ok, "maybe, I am just not as far along as I thought I was." The midwife assured me that this was a miscarriage and to just keep an eye on everything and more than likely I would be passing this baby naturally. 

I woke up the following morning in severe pain. I remember running to the restroom and blood just flowing. My worst nightmare was happening before my eyes and there was nothing that we could do. We called and they said we were heading for the end. I cried. I screamed. I was angry. I was angry at God. I didnt understand why He would take this baby. All I wanted was a baby. I was numb. Grief overcame every emotion that I could feel. I wanted it to be different. I wanted a happy ending. I wanted this baby.

Thursday morning, I woke up and felt this urge like something was about to happen. Again, I ran to the restroom {sorry TMI} and there I passed the last clot. As soon as I passed the end of what was happening, my body immediately went back to feeling normal. Its a feeling that I wont ever forget. I went from feeling so connected to this little life, to feeling nothing. To feeling completely normal. I crawled back into bed and sobbed. I felt empty. I felt disappointed. So many of my friends were right at the same stage I was and they were celebrating, letting family and friends know, planning, dreaming what their baby would look like, and here I was empty. My baby gone. I wasnt moving forward with them. 

I prayed more. I asked God why. I cried. Nothing could have prepared me for what just happened. In a blink of an eye everything changed so quickly. I thought it was the end of the world. I wanted to feel anything other than what I was feeling in those moments. I knew God had given us a promise and it was hard to see past the hurt to the bigger picture. I wanted a baby now. Not later. Now.

For months I felt empty and so sad. It was hard watching bellies pop and babies being healthy while I was having to live without mine, but something arose inside of me and gave me hope that God did give us a promise. All I could do in the midst of my grief was to stand on what God had spoken and wait for the right timing. 

Its hard to see past our hurt for something better. We just think its about us and when WE can have a baby, but so quickly did I forget that God also had a plan for that baby. The baby growing inside of me and you, has a plan, has a destiny, has a story to be told. 

I waited for several months and when I knew we could try again we did. Looking back on the heart break, I am so glad that God took me through what He did. We have been blessed abundantly with the sweetest baby girl now, and had I not been taken through what we experienced, I dont know if we would have had Paisley. We would have loved that baby, but Paisley is the joy that comes from the heart ache. I dont feel sad anymore about what happened, because God did turn that situation into something bigger. There is a plan and a destiny for Paisley and I know that it will be a big plan for her. Losing our first baby shaped me into the right Mom that I need to be for Paisley. It made me stronger. It made me see God in a different way. Though the road was painful, I couldnt be more thankful for the blue-eyed smile I get to relish in every morning. Or the sweetest little giggle that brings music to my ears. So many woman experience miscarriage and its heart breaking, but I also needed to experience that to trust my God even deeper than I already did. It rocked my world, but I am a better person for it. This month is hard knowing that we would have had a one year old, but I know that we have a baby waiting for us on the other side of eternity.

There may be pain in the night but joy really does come in the morning.